White Caps

So last Sunday kind of sucked. I thought I worked 10-3, but instead worked 9-6.

Fortunately nobody cares about me, so no one called me in or wrote me up.

I was quite happy about going into work, which is unusual because it is a grocery store and nobody I know is ever happy to spend their weekends there working. But they don't have Sweet Cheeks to look forward to.

So I'm working. And working. And complaining. And working. No Sweet Cheeks.

Hmm. few hours later, still no Sweet Cheeks sighting.

...something terrible has happened to him. I just know it. He's laid up in the hospital. Dying in an alleyway. What else could keep the love of my life away from his food??

I tell this all to Meat Guy when we're on break. He says he doesn't like the name Sweet Cheeks. Or Jawline. Meat Guy says I should call Sweet Cheeks Manjaw. Cause Manjaw is a thousand times more manly than Sweet Cheeks. I sorta agree but haven't decided as yet to comply. I kinda love Sweet Cheeks.

Break is over. It was over probably 20 mins ago but nobody cares about me so nobody noticed I was gone for that long.

I am dashing back to my department when I nearly run over a customer.

Sweet Cheeks! He tugs his white cap back over his beautiful hair and pushes his cart on.

I giggle inside and float back to my department.

Back in my department Demo lady is feeding me. I tell her that when the guy in the white baseball cap comes her way she must pull him over to her and feed him too. I shall go back to my side of the aisle and stare at his butt while she does this.

The plan is set. What could go wrong?

I am facing my product on the shelf when I sneak a peek at the Demo lady. She mouths to me that she thinks he is coming over. Then she starts flailing her arms and twisting her head. I think maybe she is having a heart attack. But no, it is much worse than that:

There is not 1, but 4 men coming towards our area of the store. And they are all wearing white baseball caps.

Demo lady is confused. Demo lady is overwhelmed. She doesn't know which cap is her target.

The universe officially hates me. I can think of no other reason it would deprive me of great ass.

Demo lady feeds me some more while I try to point out the real Sweet Cheeks. She checks him out but is not impressed. I think she is insane but she says she is into short stubby Asians. Which is why she is dating Demo guy. I had no idea. Adorable.

Manager on Duty, Milk Man, comes by and I tell him he needs to help me. I point out the real Sweet Cheeks and tell Milk Man he needs to find out if this customer is single. Milk Man says no. I tell him he is standing in  the way of true love. Milk Man says he is divorced and bitter and does not believe in true love and that I shouldn't either. I want to cry.

I decide that desperate times call for desperate measures. Next Sunday is Easter and we will be closed. I will not see Sweet Cheeks for another 2 weeks. I run into the backroom and find the store manager. Baldy. I ask Baldy how he feels about true love and what he would be willing to do for it. He says, "I don't know, I  mean, I love my daughter and stuff, I-" Stop. Enough about you, this is about me. I need you to help me find true love, I need him to find out if Sweet Cheeks is single and ready to mingle. This is how it will go:

Baldy: Excuse me sir, but I think your girlfriend is looking for you!

Sweet Cheeks will answer: Nah man, I don't have a girlfriend!

And the universe will love me again.

Baldy agrees! Show me where he is he says. I grab Baldy and bring him out of the back room onto the sales floor. I point to where the white cap is standing... and it is the wrong white cap. My white capped Sweet Cheeks is gone.

Baldy leaves.

Demo Lady feeds me again.

Milk Man says love is dead.

It will be 2 weeks before I ever see my Sweet Cheeks again.

The Story Spreads

This plot line is getting too good not to share with my other friends.

Plus I need advice about how to get into Sweet Cheeks's pants.

I work overnights at my other job, I tell them all about the Jawline disaster. I tell them all about how after I ran away into the cooler I ran back out to find Mr. Jawline 1 bent over the meat bunker displaying an ass as gorgeous as his jawline.

Coworker: "Why didn't you slap it?!"

Me: "Cause I was working! Besides! What would I have said to him after that??"

Her: "Hey! Sorry for the... ASS-ault!"

...terrible. Absolutely terrible. Surely that would not get me into anybody's pants.

I tell them about Gay Cashier poaching on my Sweet Cheeks because Gay Cashier Friend has recently broken up with his boyfriend and is rebounding. I tell them about missing Sweet Cheeks at till 6.

They start to plot. Ginger claims to be really good at getting people together by starting rumours. I don't think that'll work. Kitty doesn't really say anything. She's Indian; her mom has her covered and will arrange a marriage in 4 years. Kitty does not have to worry about being forever alone.

We come up with ideas, the majority of which revolve around using avocados. I can fondle one in produce and ask if he knows how to tell if it is ripe. I can gently roll one towards his feet and he will hopefully trip and fall into my arms. If it rolls towards someone else I must scurry over and snatch it back before someone other than my Sweet Cheeks steps on it. My doubt grows. I don't think any of these ideas will work.

I ask Norma how she met her husband. She meets people in conventional ways.

"I got drunk."

I do not drink alcohol so this will not work.

Avocados it is.

Awkward Eyes and Meat Guy

So a week after my Jawline disaster, I was back at Zehrs for my one shift a week Sunday shift.

I've discovered that Jawline 2 shops on Sundays. I don't know if he's always shopped here before, but over the next few Sundays I will realize that Sunday is his shopping day.

So here I am at the end of one of my department's aisles where the demo guy is giving samples out and regularly feeding me throughout my shift. We are joined by my gay cashier friend. Demo guy feeds my friend too. As I'm chewing with my cheeks super full of gluten free tortilla chips and organic salsa, I turn around and my eyes connect for a millisecond with Mr. Sexy Jawline 2. The one who didn't want the yogurt. We both turn away. I accept another chip. And then I spill my guts to demo guy and gay cashier friend about how I have fallen madly in love with a guy who rejected my yogurt. The beautiful bastard.

As we're talking Mr. Jawline passes and walks away from us. Gay cashier checks him out. 

"Sam. He has a FANTASTIC ass."

Hence forth: Mr. Jawline 2 shall be known as Sweet Cheeks.

Gay cashier friend confesses that Sweet Cheeks has gone through his till a few times. No wedding ring. Which doesn't mean anything in this day and age. I need to know commitment status. I tell gay cashier friend he has to work harder in our friendship. He agrees.

My shift is over. I get my things and start walking out. But as I approach the entrance I hear the page:

"Sammy call 205 please, Sammy, 205!" 

Dang it. I'm off duty. But I was the only one in my dept and so fine I'll answer the stupid page. 

It is gay cashier friend:

"HE'S IN LINE AT TILL 6!!"

"I can't believe you called me for this." But I am happy inside.

I run back to the Meat section to Meat Guy. Meat Guy is also my friend and needs to know what Sweet Cheeks looks like. Meat guy takes off for till 6 while I do breathing exercises in preparation for checking out Sweet Cheeks.

But it shall not be.

Alas, Sweet Cheeks is gone when Meat Guy gets there. 

How It Began: The First Encounter

I am terrible at falling in love. There's no smooth glide, no normal, "Hey! How ya doing?" in my world. Just embarrassing face plants and cases of mistaken identity.

Take, for example, a month ago-

I was working at the grocery store and a hot customer asked if we have any plain Greek yogurt left because the shelf was empty.

"Sure!" I said.

Now, I get a fair amount of customers. And a horrible memory. So what I do is try to remember ONE good looking characteristic about the customer I'm helping; this guy had a class A jawline. Really nicely cut and just sexy. Done. Mr. Jawline I will be right back with your yogurt!

So I get the yogurt no problem. Run back to my department. Search for Mr. Jawline. Find Mr. Jawline!

I run over to him and practically throw the yogurt, so happy I was to fulfill his wish for Greek yogurt, into his arms. Except that his arms, and the hands attached to said arms, were up in the air as his eyes widen, and he motions his hands in that universal 'Whoa, slow down' motion.

"Uh, I think you got the wrong guy."

I check out his jawline- nope! This is Mr. Sexy Jawline. I can't be wrong. But I take his precious yogurt back and stare confused at him for a moment before putting it back on my cart and he turns back to the shelf he was shopping. 2 mins later a guy comes up behind Mr. Sexy Jawline and looks at me and my cart. I look at him and his equally very sexy jawline.

"Aw hey! You found it!"

...well this is embarrassing. So very embarrassing. But how could I have known?! How could I have ever imagined 2 such incredible jawlines would ever enter my sphere of work and all within the last 10 mins?? I couldn't. Good looking jawlines do not happen to me like this. I had no plan for this. How does a girl deal with 2 amazing jawlines looking at her at the same time? Cause obviously Mr. Not the Original Jawline (Mr. Jawline 2) had turned around to see who I had mistaken him for and they were both looking at me and oh my god what do I do...

"OH MY GOD I AM SO SORRY!" I whined to Mr. Jawline 2, then tossed the damn Greek yogurt into the waiting arms of Mr. Jawline 1, took another breath and-

I ran away.